September 20, 2006
There comes a time in a person’s life when things just seem to come to a standstill. An episode where there could be no turning back yet no moving forward. It’s like being caught in a whirlpool of circumstance that you feel so helpless, you just keep on moving around in circles. Everything just swirls in a dazzle of color but with no appreciation of what and how they are, only a source of more bewilderment. And amidst this perplexity, you can’t help but feel alone. Even though surrounded by a number of people, deep inside is a void that nothing and no one can fill.
As time passes, fear and negativity resides in that void. Even though effort is exerted to combat the feeling, it lies there, waiting for its chance to consume your whole being. And things just don’t seem to matter anymore. People whom you expect to be there suddenly seem to disappear one by one. And there are some you consider friends that when you get close to their presence instead of being uplifted, you get the feeling of worthlessness even more. Maybe it’s not their intention to make you feel that way but all same that is the feeling they generate in you. In this situation, who’s to blame? Is it you, for feeling that way or is it them? What to do so as not to get that kind of feeling, turn away and leave them all behind maybe? Some would find it easy to say deal with your feelings . . . but how when the people you expect to help you and understand you are not there? It’s really a lonely world when things turn out like this.
It’s really even harder when the people you are close to fails to come up to your expectations in terms of support and understanding. Maybe this reasoning is unjustifiable since people say that you give something you shouldn’t expect anything in return. Maybe some people are just takers and some are givers, but doesn’t it count, that you gave all to them yet they couldn’t even give back the support and understanding that you so badly need at some point? This will make you think that are you so unworthy that at the lowest point in your life there is no one to turn to for comfort, no one to give reassurance in times when courage fails you or just someone who will simply be there when you break down and cry. It’s a sad truth that all of us are alone, we came out into the world alone, we walk the world alone and we will go into the darkness alone.